Airports. Interesting places. No matter where you look there are people of every color, shape, and size intermingling as a consequence of their common goal: to get somewhere else. Go for a ride on a plane and you are bound to see something amusing, something irritating, and something completely baffling.

My recent trip that put me in a few different airports for a few hours each did just that. Made me think about the people and things which amuse, irritate, and baffle me. In no particular order, the short list looks something like this: children, senior citizens, the morbidly obese, talkers, indignant would be passengers on delayed or cancelled flights, surly immigration officials, and flight attendants that wake you for meals.

Let’s start, shall we?

Children
Children should be sedated for air travel. Yeah, blah blah blah. It’s not good for their delicate little growing bodies. Whatever. It’s not as if many children are globe-trotters. A little sedation once in a while won’t kill them. Just think. It would take care of all the screaming babies and their consoling parents; no more wee sprog running underfoot like puppies on crack in the airport. Aaaah. Visions of sedated children dance in my head!

Senior Citizens
These folks (this especially applies to Asian senior citizens … sorry folks, but it’s the truth) need to be reminded that just because they are old does not mean that they get to bust to the front of every line that is in their way. Yes, yes, I know that these folks have lived long lives, some fruitful, some full of sorrow and pain. Whatever. And yes, I will show them the proper respect they deserve when I have to interact with them. But for the love of all things unholy … when they see a line in between themselves and where they want to go, why don’t they just get in it with everyone else? What’s so difficult about the concept of a line that senior citizens just can’t seem to understand? Is it the organization of the “one behind the other” thing that trips them up? Or is it the implied “no pushing, you will be dealt with in the order in which you lined up” thing that throws them into a pushing and jostling monster that cannot get to the front of the line quick enough? You know those cloth barriers that some establishments put up to herd people through a confined space with the least amount of confusion? Are those particularly difficult for senior citizens to understand? Need there be an elaborate set of instructions detailing just how one is to navigate through the maze? Lines were always pretty easy for me to understand. Is this what I have to look forward to as I make my way toward death? Being confused by the concept of a line?

The morbidly obese
I don’t have a real problem with their corpulence. If they want to eat themselves to death, they can go right ahead and keep on supersizing it. Makes no difference to me if someone dies at age 50 due to blocked arteries or at age 100 because they slipped in the shower, cracked their head open, and bled out before anyone noticed. Not one shred of difference to me.

What I DO very much care about is when I sit down on the plane and my neighbor’s supersized body oozes across the armrest into my personal space. Have you ever sat next to someone on a plane who required a seatbelt extender in order to be able to get the already generously adjustable seatbelt around their body? No? Well I have, and I can assure you that it is not the most pleasant experience in the world. While Sitting for five hours armrest wrestling with a forearm that is the same size as a large calf is not the end of the world, it is irritating and I dread having to repeat the experience. Anyway, how comfortable can they really be sitting for several hours with their body wedged between two armrests so snugly that they practically need to be greased to get out of the seat? Do us both a favor and spring for the extra seat.

The Talkers
When I am traveling, I’m all about not talking to my fellow passengers. I may make the odd snarky comment, but usually I have my headphones on and I am tucked into a book or writing (in fact, this article is the result of severe boredom on a long flight. Next time I am going to go for the valium.) What I don’t understand is people who attempt to interact with me despite my obviously anti-social demeanor. Which part of me wearing headphones and reading a book looks like an invitation to start yammering away at me? I don’t know you, you don’t know me. We happen to be sitting near one another on a plane or in the airport. Big deal. It’s not my fault that you are ill-prepared for your journey to wherever you might be going. Learn from your boredom this time and next time plan ahead!! Pack a book, bring your MP3 player, get a portable video game … do whatever you must do, but please, leave me alone.

Indignant and Irate would-be passengers
Now these folks crack me up. When faced with an adverse situation at the airport when their travel plans are delayed or cancelled for some reason, they get mad and lash out at the very people who might be able to help them with their travel emergency by rerouting them to another airport or bestowing upon them some other kindness. No, instead they become snappish and rude. Because really, that woman in charge of making sure that they are properly identified and ticketed has a vast knowledge of the field of aeronautics. I’m sure she could take care of whatever mechanical failure has rendered their planes immobile if only she weren’t so damn lazy.

Oh, and the weather as an excuse for why their planes aren’t taking off? That’s a sham too. If only you knew that “This flight has been cancelled due to inclement weather” is really code for one of three things. 1) The pilot is drunk. We can’t put him on the plane in this condition. 2) The pilot is banging one of the flight attendants and all they want is *BANGBANGBANG*. 3) They lost the keys to the ignition.

Surly Immigration Officials
Actually another thing I just love about traveling is that no matter where in the world you are, you are bound to meet a surly immigration officer. The only time I ever didn’t feel like I was trying to get away with something slightly criminal when I entered a country was once at JFK airport when the officer welcomed me back to the states with a smile. I was floored. Anyone who has ever been to JFK knows that the staff in all parts of the airport: from the porters to the security guards to the ticketing staff to the custodial staff; are trained to be as unfriendly and unhelpful as possible. And as often as possible, they are supposed to belittle your intelligence and make you feel like a complete moron for not knowing where terminal two is.

The world over, I have been met with the icy stares, disinterested composure, and seeming delight that immigration officials take in detaining passengers or sending them off to the interrogation rooms to be questioned about their travels abroad. If there’s one thing I like when traveling, it’s consistency. The consistency of the behavior of immigration officials is of little comfort to some, but to me? It’s one of those little things that I have come to know and appreciate. Nothing better than a little reliable surliness.

Clueless Flight Attendants
This is usually an affliction that befalls the young and way too eager to please or the older school-marm type that strictly follow all directives from the central office to the most minute detail. Usually the seasoned veterans that don’t have a stick shoved in their butt sideways are clever enough to figure out that a sleeping passenger is a happy passenger. If I am sleeping (which, by the way, I never am while in transit. No matter what form of transportation and no matter how tired I am, sleep simply won’t come to me while I am sitting in a moving vehicle. Yes, even on those 12 @#$% hour flights.) I can assure all the flight attendants out there that I am happy.

Though this has never happened to me, (see information contained in previous parentheses) countless times I have seen a flight attendant wake a slumbering passenger under that “dinner service” guise. The woken passenger usually doesn’t seem too happy about being woken and often refuses the dinner service with a dismissive wave of their hand.

Now I’m not sure if all the flight attendants out there suffer from a serious inability to see the logic in this, but I would like to think that as a group, they are smarter than my dirty socks. Maybe they should try this logic on for size. If someone misses the dinner service and wakes up hungry later, they can ask a flight attendant to bring them something to munch on after they call the attendant to them with that neat little call button that is on every armrest on the plane! See, problem solved!

And one more thing for airlines
Announcing that your crappy food is “award-winning” doesn’t mean much and makes your marketing staff look like a bunch of idiots. It’s like saying “Costco offers award winning pizza in the food court”. Sure it may have been the best among the competition it was stacked against, but c’mon now. We’re not completely brainless. Well some of us aren’t anyway. It’s still crappy airline food even if it has won some dubious honor for its quality. Many passengers choose which airline they travel with for one of three reasons: A) It was the cheapest ticket they could find. (infrequent travelers) B) It is the airline that they have all their bonus miles with/their company uses one particular airline all the time (business travelers) C) Their destination was a place to which your airline was the least shady of all the other airlines they had to choose from.
Don’t try to win us over with your “award winning food”. You still have small seats, crappy entertainment, terrible food, and mediocre service at best. In short, you are an airline. Your job is to get people from point-a to point-b in as little time as possible and with as little damage to their wallet as possible. Do that and you are golden. You are not a hotel, you are not a cruise ship … simply an airline. Don’t try to lure people to fill your seats with your “award winning food” because it isn’t going to work. Your customers are well aware that the limitations of food preparation on a plane are such that they will not be bragging to their friends about the awesome meal they had on XYZ airlines on the way back from Chile. The food sucks. Try filling the seats with your “holy crap, now that’s a cheap flight ticket!” or “NICE! This is a huge, awesome comfy seat!” fares instead.