John's Kt213 Movie Reviews

So I've been catching up on lot of movies lately...some by torrents (yeah im a pirate), some by Netflix, some at AMC. So today I'm going to be a self-proclaimed movie critic and grade all the flicks I've seen in the past few months. Don't try to figure out what my criteria is for what makes an awesome movie, 'cause there's no logic in that ahahaha.

So here it is...in no particluar order...

Seven Pounds

So my coworker comes to me and says "You know you're in Seven Pounds?" I was like STFU...and he says "No I'm being serious...you're wearing that red striped polo shirt." You see, last July the film crew did shoot downstairs of where I work, first floor of the Macy's building in downtown. There's this scene where Woody Harrison plays the piano in the lobby, and Will Smith watches on from an outside window of Victoria Secrets.

So I quickly download the movie and fast forward to the scene, and son-of-a-bitch wha-da-ya know...I AM in the fuckin' movie LOL....it's a crowd scene, where I have my arms folded watching Woody play the piano, and I turn around...then the camera cuts out. Man I don't remember hearing "Action!" or "Cut!" or anything...I didn't think they were just continuously rolling the film like that, you know what mean? But I can't complain...I mean my measly 4 seconds of big screen exposure is still kinda cool. Hey am I entitled to any royalties for this shit?

Anyhoo, going back to the movie, actually I've yet to watch it from beginning to end LOL. Sorry it's one of those movies where I have to be in the mood to watch. But from what I hear, it's one sad fuckin movie, a real tear jerker. But besides all that, heck I'm in it for 4 seconds so I give it an A+.

I uploaded this particular clip of me on youtube so check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wGJ23fZ2DY


Beverly Hills Chihuahua

Hey STFU...if it's free to download, so why not right? Besides the trailers made me chuckle here and there, so I decided to give it a chance.

Remember that taco bell commercial with that lil' chihuahua, where the only fuckin' thing he said was "Yo quiero taco bell?" Remember how amused you were the first time you watched that commercial, then it got really old and obsolete? That's how this film is, at first you're like "Haha look at that dog talking like a Mexican wetback," but after a while it's like watching 50 different takes of those taco bell commercials, only nonstop.

It made me wanna puke out a fuckin' 7-layer burrito. Fuckin' shit. I give it a D.

Death Race

Jason Statham is one cool motherfucker ain't he? If God told me I can be reborn as any balding actor, I'd be him. Yeah he's not very versatile, and yeah every character he plays seems to be the same fuckin person...you know that guy? The I'm-a-English-bad-ass-and-I-can-kill-you-and-dodge-bullets-and-drive-cars-really-fast guy. But hey I love his movies for what it is. Dodging bullets, kicking ass when he's outnumbered 50 to 1, and driving really REALLY fuckin well.

This movie reminded me of my childhood days when I used to smash two micro-machines into each other making explosion sounds...like kaboom...and shit. Then my transformers would come and annihilate all them sum-bitches. Then the GI Joe's would come out and try to dominate the ransformers....but I digress. C'mon bitches, you know you can relate. I give this movie a B.

Eagle Eye

First off, from what I hear Shia LaBeouf is a lil' bitch. This is coming from a very good source...my friend who owns a yogurt shop in Burbank, where Shia comes in all the time. Everyone that comes up to him for photo ops or autographs, he turns them down with a hand to their face. What a bitch.

And holy shit, what a coincidence...in this movie he acts like a lil' bitch too. He just bitches and spazzes out, running for his life. Doesn't he do that in ALL his fuckin movies? Spaz and run? Well it's no different in this film...he just bitches throughout the whole fuckin movie, running away from the mother of all computers, which happens to have every audio/visual equipment in the whole fuckin United States "eagle-eyed" on him. What the fuck? I give this movie a C-.

Gran Torino

This movie is pretty fuckin intense. Clint Eastwood plays a hard-nosed grandpa who don't give a fuck after his wife dies. I think he's like 80 or something but he's still pretty fuckin' gangsta in the movie...like Snoop Dogg in his LBC days...only he's white, and old, and all wrinkly...

In the beginning he hates us chinks/gooks/nips (to him we're all the same) but soon takes a liking to a Hmong teenage boy. He cultivates him to a man and later on Mr. Eastwood fights the boy's fight, going Dirty Harry on all the Hmong gangstas. For those of you that don't know what Hmong is, here you go stupid - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hmong_people

Anyways, I give this movie a B+.

My Sassy Girl (American Remake)

The Korean version is an A+ of course. This American version absolutely fucking sucks donkey balls covered in elephant cum. Why didn't they just bring original movie over and put subtitles on that motherfucker? Are you fuckin kidding me? No wonder this movie went straight to DVD. You just can't transpose behavioral comedy, a Korean one at that to an American film. It just doesn't work.

In this crappy version every scene is rushed, and there's like zero chemistry between Jordan (girl) & Charlie (guy). You know in the OG version if Jun-Ji-Hyun had asked her guy to lick the asshole of a giraffe, he would've made that ddong face (shit face) but still would've soldiered-up, know what I mean? In this one I think Charlie would've told Jordan to go suck a fat jaj.

I give this movie a big what the Fuck - F

RocknRolla

If you're a big Guy Ritchie fan (as I am) then you're automatically a fan of his past films like "Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels" and "Snatch". And if you liked those films you'll definitely like RocknRolla. This film is fast-paced with witty dialogue, filled with gut-wrenching action, with a dash of comedic twist.

By the way, did you know I dig the English accent? I think it sounds pretty fuckin money...well not as money as a fobby Korean accent, but nevertheless still pretty fuckin cool.

And I love how all the English guys end their sentences with a question. Like - "Well he just got his head blown off, hasn't he?" "Well you're real fuckin special aren't ya?" "Well this is one fucked up situation, innit?" Hahaha...I love it when they go innit? innit? innit?

So my reviews are pretty fuckin cool innit? Anyways, I give this movie a solid B.

Welp, that's it for now...but I have a lot more to review, like Mall Cop, Slumdog Millionaire, Street Kings, the Wrestler, The Day the Earth Stood Still, Valkyrie, Benjamin Button, Transporter 3, W, Zack and Mari, and on and on and on....