Something in My Pants by Min Yang
I’m sure everyone has had close calls when it comes to embarrassing things happening to them, but what I’m about to tell you should beat them all.
First, let me give you a little background fact. My large intestine is abnormally long. I inherited this trait from my mother, whose large intestines are 1.5 times longer than the average human. This means that we can carry around a lot more shit than you can.
It was my sophomore year in high school, and I must have had eaten something bad, because my stomach was bothering me the entire day. And like any other high school student, I did not want to take a dump in the public bathrooms. One, because they are dirty as fuck, and two, I did not want to be harassed by my fellow classmates, being pelted by wet toilette paper and trash while I crapped.
I tried my best to hold my shit in the entire day, but when the afternoon rolled around, my sphincter had given up. Fearing for my reputation, I gingerly shuffled my way to the most deserted restroom in the school, the swimming pool locker rooms. However, it seemed like my butt hole knew relief was coming soon, and it relaxed just before I reached the mother land, and I exploded all over my pants. There’s nothing like the warm, squishy feeling of soft, fresh, feces streaming down one’s legs. Luckily for me, the locker room was empty, and I finished the rest of my dump on the bowl. But unluckily for me, I did not have a change of clothes.
Feeling like MacGyver stuck in deep shit (literally), I had to think fast. I wiped as much of my shit as I could off my legs and off my pants. I took a quick shower to clean myself, but my pants could not be washed and dried in time for my next class. All I could do was dry my pants out as best as I could, and pray that no one would smell my putrid excrements. Another problem I had to deal with, were my tighty whities, or should I say, brownies. My briefs were beyond saving, but for some strange reason I did not throw them away. Instead, I put them in my little Tupperware container where I stored my lunch. Thank God for the air-tight seal.
After washing my hands a million times, and praying to God that my shit magically turns into potpourri, I walked out of the locker rooms and into the classroom. I spent the next hour in complete dread and silence. I distanced myself from everyone, and I watched the minutes slowly tick by. My teacher approached me once, but quickly stopped short when he sensed something was wrong. I guess he never smelt potpourri like that.
At the end of the day, I rushed home, showered, and prayed that no one at school noticed my accident. And I don’t think anyone did, because the next day I was back to being ignored and laughed at, like the dork I was.
Till this day, I am amazed that I was never discovered. What happened could have potentially ruined my high school life, maybe my entire life. I could have been labeled as the “kid-who-shit-in-his-pants,” and never have found a girlfriend, get elected to senior class council, become swim team captain, and gotten into a good college.
This experience taught me many things… to think fast, be creative, and handle stress. But the most important thing it prepared me for, was when I crapped in my pants my freshman year in college. But alas, that’s a story for another time.
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