Pizza in Korea by White Boy
Dear Mr. Korean President,
As Anyone who has lived in a foreign country for any appreciable amount of time will tell you, sometimes you just need a little taste of home. As much as I love Korean food, there are some times when I need a meal that doesn’t involve rice or noodles. Or when I desire some flavor other than flaming hot or indescribably bland. When the urge strikes, I venture out into the wilds in search of something that will cure my craving for lasagna, fajitas, nachos, or some other hard to come by delicacy.
One night not too long ago I sat right here, writing away, when I suddenly needed a pizza. Nothing in my apartment would do and it was late. I checked the clock. 12:20 a.m. Thinking quickly, I grabbed the phone and called one of the local pizza delivery establishments. I ordered a cheese pizza and satisfied with the eminent arrival of my order, turned my attention back to writing. Some time later the doorbell rang. I buzzed in the delivery guy, and a moment later had my pizza in my hands. I grabbed a plate, fork and knife and plopped back into my chair in front of my computer. I put a piece on my plate and started eating. Not bad. It had all the things that you would expect to see on your average cheese pizza. And then I made an alarming discovery. Cleverly hidden under a generous amount of melted mozzarella cheese were CANNED CORN NIBLETS!!!
Who puts corn on a cheese pizza? Why corn? Why would you ruin a perfectly good cheese pizza by putting a layer of corn under the cheese? For some unimaginable reason, the chefs of Korea believe that corn must be involved in preparation of all “western” food. Not only do I find corn sandwiched between two pieces of bread along with its friends ham, cheese, tomato and lettuce, but I also find corn in my spaghetti and in pastries from the bakery. The ubiquitous presence of corn in the western food in Korea is somewhat alarming.
Have you gone into business with the Jolly Green Giant? Is your administration receiving free canned corn that it sells to avoid having to heavily tax soju and cigarettes? Have you made it a licensing requirement that corn appear on the plate of three-quarters of the menu offerings at a “western” restaurant? Do the corn distributors also run a flour cartel that refuses to sell to any bakery that does not include corn in at least 5 items per day?
As you can see, I am baffled by this corn conundrum. It’s not that I have anything against corn per se, but when it pops up on my pizza smothered by cheese I get a little irritated. I also have a bit of a beef with the carrots that inevitably show up in my spaghetti, but that is a whole other domestic matter.
So instead of being an idle complainer offering no solutions, I have taken it upon myself to offer you a suggestion for a new campaign you could start in order to the alleviate the burden that the food industry has been bearing as a result of the “corn, not taxes” policy of your administration.
You could promote corn as a health food. I’m sure you could find a few scientists and corn experts who would attest to the great “stamina” qualities of corn. This would not only increase the demand for corn in Korean restaurants and homes because of its relatively cheap price, but it would also negate the need for the government to force corn on the food preparation industry. Corn would disappear from my pizza, my pasta, my pastries – and strike out on its own as a leading player. Corn would no longer be a garnish, topping, or side dish, but would instead be a force to reckoned with. A whole new specialty restaurant industry would be born and citizens and visitors all over the peninsula would have a pleasant surprise the next time they were out in search of something that resembled western food. Consider it a random act of kindness.
Respectfully,
A concerned resident
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