Give Up Your Seat by Fobby Egg
Ok. I have to admit, I have a problem with the signs on the subway and bus telling me that when I have been lucky enough to have boarded a bus that is empty enough so that I have found a place to sit down while we bump along to my destination, I should give up my seat to those who are elderly, infirm, pregnant, or with small child in tow. All right, I will give you the elderly and the infirm. They had no choice in the matter. You can’t completely arrest the aging process, and you can’t do too much about natural human illness and disease. But pregnant women and those with small children? They definitely had a choice in the matter. Divine conception is a thing of the past.
It’s not as if women don’t know what they are getting into when they get pregnant. If they are not prepared to deal with the realities of being pregnant or having a young child, then they should either close their legs or say hello to something I fondly call ‘contraception’. It bothers me a little bit that I have been conditioned by society to believe that just because someone else doesn’t mind being the host for parasitic offspring for about nine months I should give up my seat on public transportation. Nevertheless, I have been conditioned well, and always yield my seat to those that the sign have deemed more seat-worthy than I.
On second thought, maybe what should really worry me about the signs that litter the landscape reminding me to obey my common sense is that they exist at all. These signs would suggest that there really are people who need to be reminded how to behave like decent human beings. And if we are going to go down this road, aren’t there a few more useful things for governments the world over to remind people of while they are out and about using the public spaces? “Don’t forget your deodorant … your fellow passengers will thank you!” “A mint a day keeps you from driving people away.” “Showering is no longer a privilege, it’s a right! Exercise your rights as a citizen every day. Show your national pride and scrub up!” (Though this particular campaign might be better suited for something that would not have the conservationists up in arms, especially in this time where 51% of the country is red and just itching to transform the image of red from a color associated with communism, witch-hunts, and adultery into one that is symbolic of patriotism, national pride, safety, and large tax breaks for the wealthy.) The possibilities are endless.
Imagine what a better world this would be if we had signs everywhere reminding people that sex is a great for stress relief and as an added benefit, releases endorphins that trigger pleasant feelings. Happy people who feel good are kinder general people in general, no? I can picture the sign right now. An angry stick figure yelling at a cowering stick figure and preparing to strike a mighty blow with a broomstick clenched tightly in its little stick-figure hand. This scene with a big ominous line slashed through it next to a picture of two stick figures cuddling in bed. The message is clear. “Sex, not violence.”
“Please refrain from releasing gas from any orifice while in transit.” This is something that I think really ought to be said. I guess that with traveling the same routes everyday, some people develop a kind of “muted eye-contact, maybe a nod of understanding or a shared snicker of complicity when an outsider stumbles upon their daily ritual” kind of relationship with their fellow passengers. When people become familiar, they begin to think for some reason that has not yet been sufficiently explained, that they have license to fart or burp anywhere they happen to be. It comes from either familiarity or from an extreme lack of control over your sphincter. Anyway, it doesn’t really matter why people feel comfortable releasing gas in public, I just think it is something that governments should be a little more concerned about if what they are looking to do is increase the quality of life of their citizens
Now as much as I like to feel comfortable, I have never really warmed to the idea of farting in public. Not only does a fart usually make a conversation-stopping noise, but it also smells. Sometimes it smells really, really bad. Especially if it is a gaseous expulsion that has oame out of another creature who has been ingesting fermented cabbage, offal, generous amounts of soju, and llamas know what else. Really. What do you say after your heartfelt diatribe about the barbaric practice of eating giant tree grubs in some south pacific islands has been rudely interrupted by the sound of flatulence escaping from the person with whom you are conversing? “Good one Lindsay! I give you at least a 7 for the way you really squeezed that one out!” Just doesn’t seem like something that most people want advertised even though they are comfortable enough to fart in front of others. No. Instead of bringing attention to the gaseous expulsion, you are expected to quietly forgive those extra beans that they had with lunch today and remind yourself that someday when your digestive tract gets the better of you, they will be tactful enough to pretend that they didn’t hear it and didn’t smell it in order to let you save a little face.
I also think that it would be a great benefit to the landscape the world over if there were signs that said something to the effect “This is not your bathroom. Please refrain from picking your nose until you are sure you are alone.” Or “When you are not sure that you are entirely alone, use a tissue and blow.” It’s my personal opinion that there is far too much public nose-picking going on out there in the world. I’m not sure about you, but I’m quite sure that I when I feel the need to go digging in my nostrils, I don’t want strangers rating me in their mind for my style and technique. Not exactly sure what these people are trying to accomplish when they pick in public, but I can say that it gives me the distinct impression of classlessness. Egads! Every civilized person knows that it is only acceptable to pick when you are alone. Very, very alone.
So while I make my daily commutes and give up my seat to whomever is deemed worthy of sitting by the signs that I encounter en route, I can’t help but feel a little disgruntled by the lack of concern that governments show for people like me. I have yet to see a “Please give up your seat to the passenger having a shitty day” or a “Please give up your seat for the girl whose digestive tract is about to betray her and force her to run off the train clutching her stomach and praying that there is a bathroom within 50 yards.” sign. And mind you, I have been in both situations before and would have greatly appreciated it if that young man cramming for his TOEFL test had relinquished his seat to me.
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